They teach at our college, indoctrinating teenagers with revisionist swill. They own bookstores, hawking the writings of Europeans and homosexuals. And, of course, they have a strong footing in our newspapers — even the smaller, community journals.
You know who I’m speaking of. Must I actually write it? Fine, LIBERALS.
To most residents of Walker County, this is not news, and, so far, we have silently, albeit reluctantly, tolerated THEM.
But according to an ad from the Conservative Truth Alliance, three liberals have now infiltrated Walker County’s Republican Party.
I cannot understand how it happened. With my own ears, I heard Linda Ensor, president of the local GOP, tell members that every candidate would be vetted by a committee to ensure adherence to true conservative ideals.
We can’t blame her or the committee, though. There are no bounds to what progressives will attempt in order to corrupt our political process.
I commend the Truth Alliance for their patriotic work in identifying these liberals. Other fine organizations have been good enough to pinpoint the progressives in state-level races, but I have long felt we need a group to spot the outside agitators who have contaminated our county races.
I know it may seem that the three candidates are from this area, but that is simply impossible. No good Southerner could subscribe to the political view that my dictionary defines as “favoring maximum individual liberty in political and social reform.”
I shudder to imagine a world in which a county commissioner is not guided by the principles of limited government and the free market. I don’t want to think about a judge that is not steeped in the idea that this country was founded upon Christianity. That might be okay for those hippies in Jefferson County, but, by God, we should not allow it here.
That is why I am calling for our local legislators to form the House Un-Alabamian Activities Committee to subpoena those believed to be of the liberal persuasion. The questions will be simple, but answered under oath:
•Are you now or have you ever been a member of American Civil Liberties Union?
•Do you listen to National Public Radio?
•Did you vote for President Barack Hussein Obama?
Those identified as liberals will be placed on a list and all God-fearing businesses in the state will cease any transactions with the heretics.
If that does not eradicate this scourge, I have a final option: calling on Gov. Robert Bentley to form a task force charged with locating liberal hotbeds — coffee shops, movie theaters, libraries. These agents will then place traps near each den of progressives, using fair-trade merchandise and Michael Moore DVDs as the bait.
Once captured, they will be sent to re-education camps in Montgomery where they will be issued a copy of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” and a book of quotes from Ronald Reagan.
Only when they swear an oath to support the principles of supply-side economics will they be permitted to re-enter into the general public.
With the cooperation of true Republican lawmakers and the will of God almighty, Alabama can be a pure, conservative state. It can be a beacon to the rest of the country, shining with the light emanating from laws like the immigration bill and the Personhood Amendment.
And without liberals we will be free to return to the tranquility of the 1950s, into a safe, clean world without the anchors of union-backed labor or the trappings of a separation between church and state. Then and only then, will we be liberated.
Daniel Gaddy is a staff reporter for the Daily Mountain Eagle and a Walker County native. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org